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Helpful Tips
Breakups: How to Slowly Build Resilience
Breakups are never easy. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. It doesn’t matter how long you and your ex were together, it‘s never simple to let go and move on. But figuring out how to move forward is necessary. Building resilience is one of the most important steps in this process.
Here are some tips on how to slowly build resilience and get back on your feet after a breakup:
Process and embrace your feelings
After a breakup, you might feel confused, upset, angry, relieved, etc., and all those feelings are completely valid. This is the moment to process and embrace those feelings, knowing that they are necessary to your personal development and to building resilience. Therefore, if you have to cry, scream, laugh, feel pain, or any other feeling: do it. It’s totally okay to feel all your feels.
Take your time to heal
A breakup is a loss, and like every loss, we have to experience the stages and take our time to heal. Being able to respect your time, whether taking a long time or not, is essential. When you get to the other side, you will feel how significant and worth it was taking your time to heal when you had to. In the end, you will become a more resilient person.
Hold on to your support network
It is normal to feel lonely when you break up a relationship. But instead of going for the next person only to fulfill a void or a need (that you may think you have right now), try to hold on to your social support network. Go out with your friends, invite them over and make a special dinner for them, spend time with your family, and try to experience things other than romantic relationships. In the end, you will understand that no matter what, you will always have your social support network to back you up.
Do things that make you feel good
Sounds obvious, but it needs to be said. Nothing sounds better than take a breakup period to rediscover yourself and learn some lessons. Being comfortable in your own skin and presence is essential, especially if you are hurting. Doing this will definitely help you understand some things, get back on your feet and become a better person, and who knows, be prepared for a new relationship. Enjoy this time doing things that make you feel good. Take a solo trip to rethink some aspects of your life, resume that hobby you had on pause, explore a new one, be grateful for what you have now, and take some lessons from the breakup. When you focus on yourself, you become more resilient and ready to face the new chapters of your life. But remember, this is a slow process, and you don't need to rush to get over the breakup. Slowly building resilience is the best way to do it, as you will create a solid, grounded balance.
Therapy or Support Groups
Breakups can greatly impact your confidence, self-esteem, and also make you feel lost and confused. The loss of attachment can create an intense feeling of vulnerability and make you feel exposed. Many people report that they feel they don’t know or recognize themselves anymore and are now on journey to find themselves again. All this can seem daunting to try to process this on your own. This would be a great time to reach out to a therapist that specializes in processing grief, loss, and relationships. Finding support groups that create a space for you to safely discuss your breakup experience is a powerful way to release negative emotions and feel less isolated.
Begin Counseling & Experience the Benefits of Therapy for Breakup Support
Yes! It’s true that breakups SUCK! Sometimes it’s not easy to start therapy or tap into being vulnerable and honest about how hard it has been to move on from your breakup. Group therapy is an excellent space to process those emotions, scream, cry, or just listen until you get the courage to tell your story. Group therapy may sound scary because you are sharing intimate feelings that scare you, make you feel shame, or embarrassed but this space is for you to know that you are not alone and that your feelings are valid and that you are valuable no matter how flawed you are. NEWSFLASH… We all are! You get to share your story and struggles, connect with other men or women (depending on your group) that may be experiencing the same challenges you are, and also benefit from their experiences. Group therapy offers an exclusive, close-knit community of people to heal, grow, and learn about and become a more authentic version of themselves.
You can begin getting the individual or group support you need by following these simple steps:
Reach out today and schedule a free consultation with me.
Setting up your client portal and booking an appointment
Begin meeting with me for group therapy or individual counseling, processing your emotions, and learning new ways to communicate, discuss difficult emotions, and learn the best way for you to cope.
Feel the freedom that can come when you are able to connect with other men who are dealing with similar challenges
What Can I Do to Stop Avoiding My Feelings?
Many people today are encouraged to suppress their feelings and emotions for various reasons. You are expected to remain professional, and kids are taught that expressing emotions makes you weak. This avoidance, however, can cause feelings to fester and grow into serious problems, such as anxiety and depression. Here are some things you can do to address your feelings and work on not avoiding them.
Mindfulness
One of the best ways you can stop avoiding emotions is to be aware of them. Taking time out of your day to observe yourself, your thoughts, and your feelings are mindfulness. Being mindful will help you learn who you are as a person and how to accept yourself exactly the way you are. It can also teach you about how and why you feel certain emotions, and you’ll learn to express them properly instead of burying them within.
Meditation
The company, Headspace, defines meditation as training in awareness and getting a healthy sense of perspective. You’re not trying to turn off your thoughts or feelings. You’re learning to observe them without judgment. It is an easy and effective way to begin to confront your feelings and work through them by utilizing the regular practice of meditation. Research has shown that it can help with even more serious issues such as anxiety and depression. So, it’s time to engage in meditation so you can hold space for those thoughts and emotions.
Deal With Your Emotions Immediately (or At Least As Soon As Possible)
It is common to want to repress emotions. It can be a way of coping but it can also be a way to escape dealing with your emotions. The problem rarely ends up being dealt with it. This is why it is good practice to decide to work through your emotions when they come around. Emotions can feel heavy and unbearable but stuffing them away can create anxiety or anger. Thoughts and feelings that go unresolved or unchecked always seem to show up in the most unexpected places like your friendships, relationships, and even at work.
Overall, it can be a challenging task to make the decision to address your thoughts and emotions. With therapy, you learn to stop avoiding your feelings, process them, and find the root cause of them. In a therapeutic space, you can practice mindfulness and meditation in a way that will gradually help you be more comfortable with holding space for those uncomfortable feelings and get more comfortable with processing them.
If you’re struggling with running away from your feelings, therapy can provide a safe space to unpack those thoughts and emotions. I offer adult counseling and online support groups. Contact me today or schedule a free consultation session.
4 Biggest Stressors In Modern Young Adult Life
You’ve just graduated high school and are now pressured to attend the real world of either working or furthering your education. But how are you supposed to know what to do when the only classes your high school offered were based around math, science, and reading? Graduating high school and deciding what to do for seemingly the rest of your life can be really stressful. Here are the four biggest stressors that affect young adults in modern society.
No free time
Young adults never seem to have enough free time to get everything done that they have to. They seem to use up all of their time either working, at school, or both. Because of this, whenever they seem to get any free time at all, they have to spend it either going to appointments or catching up on chores. This creates stress because they feel like they have too much to do and not enough time to do it.
Relationship problems
Every teenager has relationship problems, but as they get older, they seem to be more pressured into finding someone to spend the rest of their life with. Sometimes their friends and family pressure them by always asking about when they’re going to find a partner or they feel pressured by constantly being surrounded by their friends who are already in relationships. Young adults in modern society feel pressured to find a partner, and this creates stress as well as lowered self-esteem.
Moving out
By living with their family for their whole, it can be very stressful when they realize it’s time to move out. Not only is the whole process of moving out a pain because of the packing and unpacking, but moving out breaks their routine that they’ve had for so many years. Whether it’s moving out into a dorm room, moving out into an apartment with friends, or even just moving out to be on their own, all of these can be stressful and create pressures in their life.
Financial worries
The biggest stressor for everyone is their financial concern. For young adults specifically, starting to generate a credit score is a big pressure placed on them. Consequently, understanding how a credit score works can help them maintain a good score. A credit score is a number that lenders use to contemplate whether or not to loan you money. In the United States, your credit score is known as your FICO score and is composed of 5 factors. These include your payment history, debt burden, length of your history, types of credit, and recent credit searches. Once you understand how a credit score works, you’ll be able to manage and maintain it better.
Overall, transitioning into the life of an adult and into the working world can be stressful. There are so many pressures, and so many different people are expecting different things from you. But with the right mindset and support from friends and family and with the general understanding of how the working life is managed, you can better understand how to accustom yourself into the new lifestyle of living as an adult.
4 Reasons You Should Never Be Ashamed To Talk About Depression
Depression is often mentioned but never really discussed. It's a "condition," yet some don't realize it's legitimacy. This failure can lead those who live with it to question if this problem of theirs matters, thus leading to a feeling of guilt and shame. Here are four reasons why you should never be ashamed to talk about depression.
Depression Is More Common Than You May Think
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 16.2 million adults in the United States have felt depressed at least once in 2016, which is 6.7 percent of the adult population or 1 out of every 15 adults. And of this number, people ages 18 to 25 were the most represented group at about 11 percent.
These reported numbers show just how prevalent this illness is--and that's just what it is; depression is an illness. It's a result of chemical imbalances in addition to reactions to stressful life events and possibly other health problems (there could even be gene involvement for some).
Talking Helps; It May Be Essential to Recovery
The NIMH has on record that 63 percent of adults who experienced episodes of depression either saw a health professional (therapists, psychiatrists) only, were prescribed medication alone, or saw a health professional and were prescribed medication. Seeking help is the best thing you can do to combat depression. Unfortunately, some turn to substances for relief, though, this choice always backfires and ultimately comes at a hefty price, like with addiction and alienation (alcohol and recreational drugs can negatively impact relationships).
Of the 63 percent of adults who received professional treatment, according to NIMH, 13 percent of them saw a health professional, which is twice more than those who only received medication. 44 percent both received medication and saw a professional, which means 57 percent of all who received treatment talked about their problems with licensed individuals.
Talking helps find the root of the problem, and if help is sought, someone would be there to explore it with you.
Discussing Your Depression Helps End Stigmas
The National Alliance on Mental Illness believes that words and actions are necessary to end the bullying and discrimination affecting all people with mental illness. Taking these steps can lead to social change and the public rejection of stigmas--it proved successful for other movements, like with the Civil Rights Movement and LGBT activism.
That doesn't mean you have to go out and preach your story to make a change. Merely discussing it with a health professional, or even a friend, makes all the difference, for the afflicted as well as society.
Sharing Your Experience Could Help Others
This can be therapeutic for both sides. Sharing can relieve stress and improve mood while the person who listens may feel inspired to take a look at their own mental health or even share their own experiences.
Choosing to share is a personal choice, so you should never feel pressured or threatened to disclose your depression if you think it might not help your situation.
In the end, depression is an illness. And like other mental illnesses, it's not just black and white, but a sort of grey and sometimes includes blue and purple and red--to put it simply, it's complicated.
References
Interview with Indira Midha from Indira's Inner Beauty
My mission is always to empower adults, particularly women. I do this by connecting with others that strive to impact the lives of others by sharing their personal stories and experiences so we can learn from and uplift each other. Indira Midha from Indira's Inner Beauty is a young woman striving daily to impact change in herself, her community, and young women through her blog where she shares of her fears, triumphs, and growth. I had the pleasure of interviewing her for this post.
Can you tell the readers a bit about yourself? Absolutely! I am 19 years old, and a media student at the University of Illinois. I run the blog indirasinnerbeauty.com and I write for a few other publications at my university. I am half Spanish and half Indian, but born and raised in Michigan. I've been extremely fortunate to have been able to travel to both Spain and India often to visit my enormous family. I am extremely talkative, sassy, and giggly. I love feminism and social activism, so I associate those two things with my identity. In my free time, I love writing, photography, reading, watching Netflix, and playing with my niece.
What made you start your blog? I originally started Indira's Inner Beauty (IIB) as a YouTube channel with a video that I had to make for my AP English class my junior year of high school. This video was about how social media is detrimental to the self-image of teenage girls. I experimented with what I wanted my content to be about, and I ended up realizing that I could make my voice heard better through my writing. I started the blog version of IIB and I knew that I wanted to help people, specifically young girls. Since then I have focused on writing about social activism, inner beauty, body positivity, and even a bit about college.
How important is it to use your voice to highlight women's issues instead of remaining quiet? Why is it important for you to highlight women's issues? I am a firm believer in the fact that everybody has a voice that they should use somehow. Through IIB, I am trying to be the online figure that I would have wanted for myself in my younger days. I am trying to show young girls that it is absolutely possible to love your imperfect self. I want to teach young girls about feminism so that they can stay empowered and take care of themselves. It can be a hard world to be female in. Traditional sexism is ingrained in most people's brains, I think that is how this society raised us. I am trying to do my part in combatting these outdated beliefs, not just for myself but for other people too. I wish that the people I was watching/reading on the internet when I was younger taught me about these topics.
How have your experiences and your cultural background played a part in your identity and your message to women? I have a very complex background, I am Hispanic and Asian but I look White. I have recently learned a lot about privilege, and it has changed the way I view many of the issues that I face in my life. I have endured some racism simply for being Hispanic, and I have definitely endured racism as a "White person" in India. I've experienced a lot of feelings of inadequacy because of my cultural background. However, I have had such a unique and culturally aware life because of my ethnic makeup. I think that my unique experiences with culture have taught me how to defend myself from ignorant comments/people, and how to solidify my identity within regardless of what others on the outside think or say. This attitude has spread to many aspects of my being and life.
As a college student, what are some surprising things you learned about yourself that will help other young women? I think the biggest one is that nobody can do it all. As much as you may want to be a perfect student, a perfect staff-member, a perfect blogger, a perfect friend, a perfect daughter/sister/aunt; you cannot do it all. Aiming for perfection is always going to make you feel like you're hitting your head against a brick wall. You can only expect yourself to do your best while putting in your personal best effort. That is enough, even if it doesn't always result in perfection. Also, time for you to just relax and breathe are just as important as taking time out for you to study or work. I struggle with this still, but I'm working on it. :)
What would you tell other young women about being empowered, respecting themselves, and staying true to themselves? Empowerment is an inside job, but you are stuck with you for the rest of your life - why not have a fantastic relationship with yourself? That will make for a better life. Be true to yourself, because you are the way that you are - why not make the best of it? Because being somebody who you aren't is exhausting and not fulfilling at all. Stay empowered and stay you, my loves.
Whether we are searching for who we are or working towards revealing out best selves we are all human and there are people out there rooting for you. Indira's message of self-discovery, healing, and activism may help you learn more about yourself. Thank you to Indira Midha for allowing me to interview her. Please check out Indira's blog and follow and support her journey.
Indira Midha of indirasinnerbeauty.com is a 19-year-old blogger and college student who studies media at The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Indira is very passionate about social activism, self-empowerment, and helping young girls through the challenges of adolescent female life. Please be sure to check out her blog and social media links!
Self-Care in College
It's always a pleasure to get other points of view from other people that want to uplift others. Indira Midha from Indira's Inner Beauty whose mission is to "encourage others to become empowered and make it her mission to empower others who will hopefully go on to empower others" is sharing her thoughts on self-care for college women. This topic is important because college, in general, is stressful and without great support and an adequate self-care routine it can seem to spin out of control. I hope Indira's tips can get you started on taking care on yourself.
Guest Post by Indira's Inner Beauty
Engaging in self-care is one of the most crucial parts of taking initiative to positively nurture your mental health. I am a firm believer that nobody is responsible for your mental health but you. It is extremely important to have loved ones support and guide you, but the only person who can look in the mirror every single morning and decide that you'll be taken care of it you. As somebody who attends a rigorous university full-time, works for several publications, and runs a blog completely independently, I can attest to the challenges of making time for self-care. I often find myself feeling guilty for taking a breather when I have a million and seven responsibilities on my plate, especially time sensitive ones. The catch is, if you aren't taken care of and in good shape mentally, you can't effectively tackle your endless to-do list. Here are my tips on engaging in self care while in college, and what I do to keep myself mentally well.
Sleep enough and at a reasonable time. This one is extremely important. I am a firm believer that appropriate sleep is the foundation to good health. For me, it meant making sure that I turned off the Netflix at a set time each week night, and speeding up my morning routine. By committing to sleeping every day from 12am to 8am, I was extremely well-rested this past semester. This resulted in my mood elevating, and my focus being sharper than when sleep-deprived in previous semesters. Some people aren't willing to give up their morning makeup and hair routine for sleep, which is definitely very understandable. You do you, girl! For me personally, spending the hour sleeping instead of spending it on hair and makeup, like I would in high school, was life-changing for me. The extra sleep made me personally happier than the makeup did.
If you aren't a big workout person, like me, there are simpler ways to engage in physical activity. In my younger years, I loved participating in volleyball, tennis, and track & field at school. Now, if you tell me to run I will probably scream at you. However, I have realized that there are huge benefits to engaging in physical activity. My two favorite ways of doing this are through walking and dancing. My campus is huge and widely spread out, so I took it upon myself to walk everywhere when the weather permitted. This is an extremely simple way to just move. Before you know it, you'll have racked up a few miles! It may not be some tough workout, but it's proven to be good for your heart. Taking the stairs is a quick burst of a workout, if you have the habit of running up and down them like I do. Also, dancing is a very fun activity that I have recently really started to enjoy. I have the same amount of rhythm in my body as a potato, but I have so much fun. I am not into college parties, but I do love going to the Latin dance nights hosted by my university. I love having "dance parties" with my friends in my room. It's awesome for your physical health to get your blood pumping, and also for your emotional well-being to just put on a fun playlist of songs and dance around. It's not some scary commitment like going to spinning classes four times a week, or running miles every day. Whatever physical activity works for you, do it!
Easy on the coffee. Coffee is a stimulant, so while it may help you wake up, it is proven to elevate anxiety in those who already deal with it. Being one of those people, I have decided to switch to green tea. I have gotten to a point where my anxiety is barely present in my life, except for when I have a big cup of coffee. Many people will disagree with this approach, but I say save the coffee for emergencies only.
Give yourself something to look forward to at the end of every day. This is quite simple, really. You have to bribe yourself to get through the long day, many times. Let me spill a secret: that's okay! I like to reserve anywhere between half an hour and two hours in my evening for me. I often use that time to get dinner and catch up with a friend, watch Netflix in bed, schedule a FaceTime date with a family member or friend who isn't at school with me, or paint my nails. These are things that make me happy. I love staying in touch with my loved ones, I love TV, and I like to have my nails painted because that prevents me from biting them. These are simple things that really help me get through the tough parts of the day. Having this time to unwind from school and work really helps me prepare for good sleep with a happy soul. Also, following this pattern, I like to give myself something to look forward to at the end of the week. I like to make fun and exciting plans the weekend after a rigorous work-week. This helps me keep myself in going and not feel like I'm drowning in responsibilities. Some things that I like to do on weekends are check out new restaurants with friends, go to a concert or performance (there are tons of awesome free or cheap ones on college campuses!), or have movie nights with friends and order takeout!
Put it in a digital list. For me, putting all of my responsibilities in a list is essential. I have so many things to do, and tight deadlines; I can't afford to forget things. I recommend keeping a running to-do list either in Word or on the notes app in your phone. Include all categories: school, work, blog, personal, errands - anything. This saves me from anxiety because I have my responsibilities sorted out and in front of me. Also, I recommend doing this digitally because you can have your list with you wherever you go, and it is so much easier to edit it (as opposed to on a paper with a pen).
Make time to keep in touch with your loved ones. This one is huge for me - I am always on the phone, FaceTime, or WhatsApp with my family members and friends from home. I am a very family-oriented person, so many people don't need to do this as often as I do, but I make sure to call or FaceTime with my mom at least twice a day, with my dad once a day, with my sister and niece once a day, with my best friend from home every few days, with my nephew once a week, with my aunt once a week, with my grandpa once a week, and with my cousin once a week. I also text and WhatsApp with them all the time. This may seem like a lot to some people, but with my family being spread out across the world for my whole life, I've always sworn by this. Interacting with my loved ones makes my heart happy, and theirs as well. Communication with loved ones is so healthy and therapeutic, no matter how little or how much.
Find your place where you get things done, and find your place where you unwind - but make sure they aren't the same place. This is more of a productivity tip, but I found it extremely helpful to walk into the communications library or my favorite café, because my brain would go immediately into work mode. For me, my bedroom has always been my sanctuary. I make sure that I have lots of blankets and pillows to ensure optimal coziness. It was also extremely helpful to be able to walk into my room and automatically feel comfortable. I was very lucky to have a roommate who I became best friends with, so my room could be my safe place. Many people don't have that luck though. If it can't be your room, find a place where you can just walk in and feel comfortable. My friends found that safety in certain coffee shops, local parks, or dorm lounges after trying a few options out.
Eliminate (or cut down to the bare minimum) any interactions or people who make you feel negative feelings. This is so simple, yet so hard. But, after having made friends with some people who made me feel un-empowered, insecure, and unloved, cutting off or limiting those connections really changed my moods in a 180 degree manner. It also really improved the way I was feeling about myself and talking to myself in my head. There are 7 billion people in the world, we don't need to hold on to those who make us feel small, insufficient, or unworthy. There are many absolutely lovely people who can be supportive, positive friends. Look for those.
Find songs and TV shows that you can lose yourself in and can help uplift you when you're down. This is essential for me. My small playlist of about 5 songs that uplift me has worked miracles for me. Sometimes you find the words you need to hear in music, and when you find a song that makes you feel this way: keep it. A few of my favorites are Love Me More by Maggie Rose (about self-love), Beautiful Flower by India Arie (also about self-love and empowerment), and The Climb originally by Miley Cyrus, covered by Sundance Head (about overcoming and embracing challenges). Also, I think it is very important to have a funny, light-hearted TV show that you can completely lose yourself in and giggle with to de-stress. For me it's Friends, because I grew up watching it and it provides humor with which you don't have to think too much. After a rough day, just 22 minutes with Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey can help me feel better. Finding a self-care/unwinding show is a good way to help you remove yourself from stressful situations for a bit.
I hope that these tips and suggestions can help you the way that they helped me! Please let me know if you try out any of these things, or if you have any other tips of this sort! I can be reached on Twitter and Instagram at @midha_ind, on Facebook at Indira's Inner Beauty, or via my blog, indirasinnerbeauty.com. I look forward to hearing from you!
Love and best wishes, Indira
