Help, My Coparent May Be A Narcissist!

Yes, I am sure that you have heard many coparents diagnose their out-of-control coparent as a narcissist. Especially, when that coparent has dealt with a mountain of manipulation and stonewalling for their toxic coparent. But what really qualifies a coparent to be defined as a narcissist. What does that look like?

First, What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The Mayo Clinic defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as one of several types of personality disorders. It is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissist, man or woman, is really a something to see because frankly it’s unbelievable the efforts they go to to gain control over a situation. This person definitely keeps you on your toes and in a permanent state of TWILIGHT ZONE. This personality type wants to be seen as a person that has it all together and their main mode of power and control is to negate and deny.

Narcissist Personality Traits In Coparenting. What does it look like?

Self-absorbed and indifferent- Coparents that exhibit this narcissistic trait often feel overly confident about their parenting. They are indifferent and dismissive to how you parenting style and can be very critical and make you feel incompetent. This type of coparenting has to preserve their sense of self by inflating their personality value and devaluing the targeted parent. This occurs because the narcissistic parent can’t tolerate or withstand any type of bruising of their ego like a child wanting to be with the other parent. When this occurs the targeted parent receives unprovoked attacks.

Charming and Persuasive- Narcissistic type coparents can seem charming to unsuspecting outsiders or even their own children. They use this tactic to manipulate and to create loyalty conflict within the child causing the child to dismiss and often demonize the targeted parent. They are careful not to allow the child to see them in a negative light so they can maintain the loyalty conflict and reject the targeted parent.

Lack Empathy- True narcissists lack the ability to empathize with others. When a coparent is exhibiting this trait they can’t seem to place themselves in a position to understand the targeted parent. Empathy requires the person to look outside themselves to truly gauge and comprehend someone else’s experiences. Narcissistic coparents would not be able to do this properly as it would disregard their own self-importance. In a coparenting situation, this would likely show considerable indifference and callousness towards the targeted parent.

Sensitive to Criticism or Perceived Threats- In this situation the coparent would lash out at the slightly perceived critical statement even if it was completely innocent. Ex. “I wouldn’t take Myles to the park today. He wasn’t feeling well at school.” The narcissistic coparent would see this as an attack on his or her parenting or perceive it as a threat to his or her parenting time.

How Narcissistic Coparent Makes You Feel

Dealing with a coparent that showcases narcissistic traits tend to make the targeted parent feel inadequate, devalued, alienated, or manipulated. Inadequacy shows up when the narcissistic coparent is consistently highlighting what the targeted parent is perceived to be doing wrong. Their way is right and the targeted parent’s way is 100% wrong. They attack parenting choices and can successfully persuade the child that the targeted parent is inadequate and convince the child to align a with them and verbally or mentally attack the targeted parent. Targeted parents are made to feel devalued by the use of antagonizing tactics, bad-mouthing, and false accusations. These things cause the targeted parent to second guess their decisions and cause them to back down or give in.

A targeted parent may feel out of control, distressed, guilt, or shame. In reality, the narcissistic parent is projecting onto the targetEd parent how they themselves feel. The targeted parent is made to feel like what the narcissistic coparent fears the most which is their own insecurities being discovered, rage, envious of the targeted parent, feeling unimportant or unseen, disregarded or ignored, and fear of losing the admiration or love of the child.

Tips to Deal With Your Narcissistic Coparent

When dealing with a coparent with narcissistic traits, first understand that they may not be properly diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) but are showing some telltale signs that you need to be aware of. It is always important that you as the targeted parent know that a narcissist’s main goal is to be destructive in your relationship as a parent, to gaslight you, to manipulate, target your weaknesses and hide their own, charm the child and others into submission, and maintain their own self-image and position by damaging yours.

Important Tips

• Maintain IRONCLAD boundaries and don’t budge or give in.

• Don’t seek validation from them

• Stick to your guns (and the parenting plan). Don’t flip flop on decisions to accommodate the narcissistic coparent

• Stick to the FACTS. Don’t allow the coparent to rope you in by gaslighting you.

• Empathy is NOT their middle name so do share intimate details about your life. (It will probably be used against you later. They like to keep an arsenal to eventually blow up your life.

• Don’t compete with a narcissist it feels like you are gaslighting them and they repay you by making your life a living HELL and will use the children to do it.

Once you are well versed on parenting with a narcissist you will be equipped to handle them without it consistently affecting your relationships, your image of yourself, or your mental health. To protect your mental health and the mental health of your loved ones, seek help from a therapist or psychiatrist in healing from your abuse. You and your children deserve peace of mind.

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Begin Counseling & Learn to Co-Parent with a Narcissist

It’s not easy to coparent with your ex under these circumstances. You have to have contact because of the children. But you need to learn to communicate more effectively. You need support.

Coparenting Group support or Divorce Counseling can help or you can begin getting the support you need through individual therapy by following these simple steps:

1. Reach out today and schedule a free consultation with me.

2. Begin meeting with me for individual therapy, processing your emotions and learning new ways to interact with your ex.

3. Feel the freedom that can come when you are able to coparent with less stress.

4 Biggest Stressors In Modern Young Adult Life

You’ve just graduated high school and are now pressured to attend the real world of either working or furthering your education. But how are you supposed to know what to do when the only classes your high school offered were based around math, science, and reading? Graduating high school and deciding what to do for seemingly the rest of your life can be really stressful. Here are the four biggest stressors that affect young adults in modern society.

No free time

Young adults never seem to have enough free time to get everything done that they have to. They seem to use up all of their time either working, at school, or both. Because of this, whenever they seem to get any free time at all, they have to spend it either going to appointments or catching up on chores. This creates stress because they feel like they have too much to do and not enough time to do it.

Relationship problems

Every teenager has relationship problems, but as they get older, they seem to be more pressured into finding someone to spend the rest of their life with. Sometimes their friends and family pressure them by always asking about when they’re going to find a partner or they feel pressured by constantly being surrounded by their friends who are already in relationships. Young adults in modern society feel pressured to find a partner, and this creates stress as well as lowered self-esteem.

Moving out

By living with their family for their whole, it can be very stressful when they realize it’s time to move out. Not only is the whole process of moving out a pain because of the packing and unpacking, but moving out breaks their routine that they’ve had for so many years. Whether it’s moving out into a dorm room, moving out into an apartment with friends, or even just moving out to be on their own, all of these can be stressful and create pressures in their life.

Financial worries

The biggest stressor for everyone is their financial concern. For young adults specifically, starting to generate a credit score is a big pressure placed on them. Consequently, understanding how a credit score works can help them maintain a good score. A credit score is a number that lenders use to contemplate whether or not to loan you money. In the United States, your credit score is known as your FICO score and is composed of 5 factors. These include your payment history, debt burden, length of your history, types of credit, and recent credit searches. Once you understand how a credit score works, you’ll be able to manage and maintain it better.

Overall, transitioning into the life of an adult and into the working world can be stressful. There are so many pressures, and so many different people are expecting different things from you. But with the right mindset and support from friends and family and with the general understanding of how the working life is managed, you can better understand how to accustom yourself into the new lifestyle of living as an adult.

Including the Stepparent

Many separated or divorced parents make the decision to move on with their lives and seek meaningful relationships. When remarrying or deciding to be in a committed relationship, their partners take on a role of a stepparent.

Being a stepparent can be very overwhelming, challenging, and rewarding. But when a stepparent isn't supported, included on respected they could feel like the odd man out and problems and resentment start to seep into your relationship. Being the odd man out for the stepparent can feel like they are on constant pins and needles with the kids and you as their partner because they are trying to find their place and their voice in your co-parenting situation.

With the children, their needs, trying to manage the co-parenting relationship, and your own needs, the stepparent and their needs can unnoticeably take a backseat. Here are 3 tips to make sure that the stepparent feels connected and included.

Nurture Your Relationship

Stepparents need the reassurance that the co-parenting situation working for the betterment of the family unit and validation and recognition of their place in their household and in their spouse's life. Make time for each other when you can maintain your connection.Unity within the couple's relationship bridges the emotional gap between the stepparent and stepchildren and positions both adults to lead the family.

Communicate! Then Communicate Some More.

Just as the lines of communication is imperative for co-parents, it is also important for stepparents and their partners. Rather than being silent in their resentment, stepparents should express their need to have their contributions recognized and acknowledged (Grace, Elizabeth, 2017).  Stepparents can find it hard to find their barrings and need to be able to talk with their partners on how they feel, how to address issues that come up with the children, and what their role looks like as a stepparent where everyone is feels validated and their needs are being met. 

Just a little Respect.

Respect is a big part of the foundation of any relationship. Just as your relationship took the time to grow and flourish it will take time for the stepparent and child to bond. Respecting the process, having discussions about the new family unit and how it will be managed is key to building a strong foundation. A stepparent will have their own views, values, and beliefs that they will bring to the relationship and those should be respected and acknowledged. But as parents and partners communication about how parenting, discipline, and co-parents should be handled will be ongoing and partners must come to an agreement they are comfortable with implementing in their daily lives. Another important aspect of respect is between the stepparent and the child. Both the child and the stepparent should show each other a level of respect. This is always best displayed rather than verbalized because children do as you do not as you say--usually. If a child feels safe with the stepparent and not pushed into a relationship with them respect comes a little bit easier. Stepparents also must display respect for the children and the other parent (your ex) by being considerate of boundaries, communicating with honesty, and helping to keep the peace.

Although step-parenting can be difficult it can also be rewarding and help to create loving connections. Stepparents should be acknowledged for their roles, heard, included in decisions and planning, and the marriage or romantic relationship should be nurtured to make sure that your relationship and family unit is solid. 

References:

Grace, Elizabeth (2017, May 27). Dealing with Feelings of Resentment as a Stepparent. Being a Stepparent. Retrieved from http://www.beingastepparent.co.uk/dealing-with-feelings-resentment-stepparent.html

Deal, Ron (2002). Stepparenting: It Takes Two. Focus on the Family. Retrieved from http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/single-blended-family-parenting/blended-families/stepparenting-it-takes-two