Help, My Coparent May Be A Narcissist!

Yes, I am sure that you have heard many coparents diagnose their out-of-control coparent as a narcissist. Especially, when that coparent has dealt with a mountain of manipulation and stonewalling for their toxic coparent. But what really qualifies a coparent to be defined as a narcissist. What does that look like?

First, What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The Mayo Clinic defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as one of several types of personality disorders. It is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissist, man or woman, is really a something to see because frankly it’s unbelievable the efforts they go to to gain control over a situation. This person definitely keeps you on your toes and in a permanent state of TWILIGHT ZONE. This personality type wants to be seen as a person that has it all together and their main mode of power and control is to negate and deny.

Narcissist Personality Traits In Coparenting. What does it look like?

Self-absorbed and indifferent- Coparents that exhibit this narcissistic trait often feel overly confident about their parenting. They are indifferent and dismissive to how you parenting style and can be very critical and make you feel incompetent. This type of coparenting has to preserve their sense of self by inflating their personality value and devaluing the targeted parent. This occurs because the narcissistic parent can’t tolerate or withstand any type of bruising of their ego like a child wanting to be with the other parent. When this occurs the targeted parent receives unprovoked attacks.

Charming and Persuasive- Narcissistic type coparents can seem charming to unsuspecting outsiders or even their own children. They use this tactic to manipulate and to create loyalty conflict within the child causing the child to dismiss and often demonize the targeted parent. They are careful not to allow the child to see them in a negative light so they can maintain the loyalty conflict and reject the targeted parent.

Lack Empathy- True narcissists lack the ability to empathize with others. When a coparent is exhibiting this trait they can’t seem to place themselves in a position to understand the targeted parent. Empathy requires the person to look outside themselves to truly gauge and comprehend someone else’s experiences. Narcissistic coparents would not be able to do this properly as it would disregard their own self-importance. In a coparenting situation, this would likely show considerable indifference and callousness towards the targeted parent.

Sensitive to Criticism or Perceived Threats- In this situation the coparent would lash out at the slightly perceived critical statement even if it was completely innocent. Ex. “I wouldn’t take Myles to the park today. He wasn’t feeling well at school.” The narcissistic coparent would see this as an attack on his or her parenting or perceive it as a threat to his or her parenting time.

How Narcissistic Coparent Makes You Feel

Dealing with a coparent that showcases narcissistic traits tend to make the targeted parent feel inadequate, devalued, alienated, or manipulated. Inadequacy shows up when the narcissistic coparent is consistently highlighting what the targeted parent is perceived to be doing wrong. Their way is right and the targeted parent’s way is 100% wrong. They attack parenting choices and can successfully persuade the child that the targeted parent is inadequate and convince the child to align a with them and verbally or mentally attack the targeted parent. Targeted parents are made to feel devalued by the use of antagonizing tactics, bad-mouthing, and false accusations. These things cause the targeted parent to second guess their decisions and cause them to back down or give in.

A targeted parent may feel out of control, distressed, guilt, or shame. In reality, the narcissistic parent is projecting onto the targetEd parent how they themselves feel. The targeted parent is made to feel like what the narcissistic coparent fears the most which is their own insecurities being discovered, rage, envious of the targeted parent, feeling unimportant or unseen, disregarded or ignored, and fear of losing the admiration or love of the child.

Tips to Deal With Your Narcissistic Coparent

When dealing with a coparent with narcissistic traits, first understand that they may not be properly diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) but are showing some telltale signs that you need to be aware of. It is always important that you as the targeted parent know that a narcissist’s main goal is to be destructive in your relationship as a parent, to gaslight you, to manipulate, target your weaknesses and hide their own, charm the child and others into submission, and maintain their own self-image and position by damaging yours.

Important Tips

• Maintain IRONCLAD boundaries and don’t budge or give in.

• Don’t seek validation from them

• Stick to your guns (and the parenting plan). Don’t flip flop on decisions to accommodate the narcissistic coparent

• Stick to the FACTS. Don’t allow the coparent to rope you in by gaslighting you.

• Empathy is NOT their middle name so do share intimate details about your life. (It will probably be used against you later. They like to keep an arsenal to eventually blow up your life.

• Don’t compete with a narcissist it feels like you are gaslighting them and they repay you by making your life a living HELL and will use the children to do it.

Once you are well versed on parenting with a narcissist you will be equipped to handle them without it consistently affecting your relationships, your image of yourself, or your mental health. To protect your mental health and the mental health of your loved ones, seek help from a therapist or psychiatrist in healing from your abuse. You and your children deserve peace of mind.

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Begin Counseling & Learn to Co-Parent with a Narcissist

It’s not easy to coparent with your ex under these circumstances. You have to have contact because of the children. But you need to learn to communicate more effectively. You need support.

Coparenting Group support or Divorce Counseling can help or you can begin getting the support you need through individual therapy by following these simple steps:

1. Reach out today and schedule a free consultation with me.

2. Begin meeting with me for individual therapy, processing your emotions and learning new ways to interact with your ex.

3. Feel the freedom that can come when you are able to coparent with less stress.

3 Ways to Handle Negative Emotions After Your Divorce

Going through a divorce could be one of the most difficult things you can ever experience. Even if you initiated it, there's still likely to be all kinds of negative emotions running through you. These are some strategies for handling these tough feelings.

Find an Outlet

Negative emotions can't just be destroyed. Instead, they need to be redirected in a positive way. The Second Principle recommends using negative energy to fuel your creative ventures. All the time you spend feeling bad is time that could be spent on productive activities like working out, meditating, or spending time with friends. These outlets won't just make you feel better on their own. They'll require your full engagement in order for you to realize their benefits. It can take effort to feel better, but wallowing in your misery is no solution. When you have outlets for your negative emotions, you can be far less afraid of them.

Aromatherapy

Have you ever smelt something so wonderful that it immediately made you feel better? doTERRA explains how an aroma can hit the receptors in our noses and immediately go into the brain, changing our thought process and immediately changing our moods. Sometimes we tag a certain emotion, like feeling good, with a smell. When we are feeling bad and we reach for that smell again it brings us right back to feeling better because of that association and the immediate response our brain has to that smell. Essential oils can change our moods in a healthy and reliable fashion. Stock up on your favorite scents and have them available for when you're feeling upset or tense. Your negativity can be reduced, one smell at a time.

Self Love

The negative emotions you feel after a divorce might be directed at both your former spouse and yourself. Feeling angry towards yourself is understandable, but it doesn't have to be that way. When you find yourself criticizing yourself for anything, ask yourself if what you're thinking about or calling yourself is actually valid. Anderson and Associates recommends taking time to rediscover yourself. Marriage, children, divorce, and more have powerful effects on your self, and so finding who you are again is necessary. Then, find how you can bring self-love into your life. This could be reading a favorite book, calling a friend, or taking a bubble bath. Whatever you have in mind that's healthy is a worthwhile pursuit.

Negative feelings might feel bad, but that doesn't mean they are bad. Often, you need to express your feelings in a healthy way to be able to move on. Your divorce can be a struggle to get through, but you can persevere. When you look back, you will be able to do so with pride.

5 Important Things to Be A Stable Co-Parent

The reality of being a co-parent can be quite sobering but you can get through it if you focus on these 5 elements: Self-care, Level-Headed Support, Grieve Your Relationship, Make Home a Neutral Space, and Commit to Your Child's Happiness.

Self-Care

It is important for parents in a co-parenting relationship to not only nurture their children but to also nurture themselves. Self-care is the maintenance of your physical, mental, and inner self. How you treat yourself will speak to how you will be able to cope with the transition of your co-parenting relationship and life transitions in general.  Terri DiMatteo, LPC  of Open Door Therapy suggests that while it may seem counter-intuitive for divorcing parents to focus on themselves while in the throes of divorce or transitioning during to being a co-parent, in truth it is actually one of the healthiest things a divorcing parent can model for his or her child. By doing so, a parent is ‘saying’ (by example and in lifestyle) that during times of heightened stress and uncertainty it’s especially important to take care of oneself when managing the additional stress.

Level-Headed Support

We all require connections with friends or family to be a support through trials of life. When maneuvering through your co-parenting transition, separation, or divorce you may seek comfort and advice from friends and family. But all advice isn't good advice even from people we love. Sometimes confiding in others can make the situation worse because the people we have chosen to confide in are also emotionally invested in your situation and they can't always be objective. Seek a professional if you are looking to work through emotions, thoughts, and getting a better understanding of how to move forward. 

Grieving Your Relationship

Although you want to make sure that your children are okay and provide them a healthy environment, it is important to grieve what you have lost. Whatever that loss is for you, (the relationship itself, loss of the family unit, loss of finances, your dreams connected to your ex-partner) healthy grieving will help you deal with the emotions related to that loss and adequate support will help you reorganize your life based on your learnings about your relationship, yourself, and your experiences. You will most likely develop new values and perspectives on life, and you will naturally begin to think of new horizons that you may never have thought about before. 

Home: A Neutral Space

Your relationship with your ex can be in a constant state of chaos but you should always commit to having a safe, neutral environment for you and your child. This means being accountable to maintaining that space by:

• making sure you don't speak ill of the dead (the old relationship that is)

• not using your child as a confidant

• encouraging your child to foster a relationship with their parent if they are comfortable doing so

• respecting the child's relationship and love for their other parent

• when they go low you go high-refrain from arguments and all-around nastiness especially in front of the child.

Committing to Your Child's Happiness

Committing to you child's happiness is the ultimate goal of your co-parenting experience. Your sacrifices to maintain control of emotions and creating a neutral, safe space for them is what they will remember in the end. Pay attention to your child's ques regarding how they are handling the transition and seek additional support or help if they are having an especially hard time adjusting. Stay the course, because your character and actions DO matter...and because the children are always watching. The time, thoughts, patience, laughter, fun, and love that you share with your child will have the most meaning.

References:

1. Hart, Julie (2016, February 2). Grieving When Your Relationship Ends: The 3 Important Phases. The Hart Centre. Retrieved from http://thehartcentre.com.au/grieving-when-your-relationship-ends-the-3-important-phases/
2. University of Washington. (n.d). Healthy grieving. Retrieved from https://www.washington.edu/counseling/resources/resources-for-students/healthy-grieving/
3.Philyaw, D.,Thomas, M.D. (2013) Co-Parenting 101: Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households after Divorce. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.