Internet Safety Rules to Teach Your Children

The internet has been marvelous to our generation. Every year, there are new and exciting ways to invite learning and entertainment into our lives through the use of technology. However, the internet also has a dangerous side. Children are at risk of exposure to phishing, malware, an intrusion of privacy, stalking, bullying, and obscenity. But with more and more students turning online for school and other activities, you can't really keep your kids off the computer. Teaching your kids how to use the internet safely is critical. Here are the rules that you should instill on your kid before they start using the internet.

Don't Download or Install Anything

Hackers want an easy way of getting your information. They use apps and malicious ware packaged as programs. You should ensure that your kid understands that he or she cannot install anything or download stuff onto his or her computer.

Don't Click on Adverts

Flickering adverts target children because many cannot resist bright objects. It is good to show your child how adverts can link to adult sites such as gambling sites, or worse. Unsolicited adverts and emails can expose your personal information.

Image courtesy of Simply Mac Computers

Don't Share Private Information Online

Personal information should stay private. You have to teach your child how to interact with strangers. Even people disguised as friends should not be trusted. Set it as a rule that personal information remains secret at all times.

Don't Post Anything Mean or Regrettable

Online conversations escalate very fast. People always corrupt civil discussions into a sea of insults. Sports, gaming, and political forums are particularly notorious. Ask your child not to post anything mean. Instead, tell them to report any abuse to you.

Use the Internet Sparingly

Internet addiction is happening at alarming rates. It can affect how a child continues with his or her responsibilities. Children can spend their nights chatting affecting their schoolwork. For starters, keep the computer in the living area where you can monitor its usage. Have a rule of using the internet and computer at specified times.

Image courtesy of NCTA

If Unsure, Always Ask

Children should always consult you before making a decision. Before starting a blog, children should consult parents. Parents should approve posting videos and pictures. Adults should also help children open social media accounts. They should encourage them to ask every time they are not sure about something. Additionally, they should be hesitant to make any sort of changes to the computer system. Usually, children are tempted to do this when there are issues with internet speeds. And while there are ways to improve connection speeds, it’s best left to you to do so, as opposed to your kids.

If Something Happens, Tell an Adult

Sometimes your child may be exposed to something terrible. You should encourage them to share such experiences with you.

To improve your child's internet safety, install an antivirus and enforce parental controls. Remind your children of the values that you and they have chosen to live by. On the overall, teach your child how to use the internet safely.

Why Group Therapy is Key to Healing From Addiction

A variety of treatment plans exist for people who have developed an addiction. Group therapy is one that has survived through the ages. It's an essential ingredient in recovery that one should not ignore, and here's why:

Tearing Down Walls and Defenses

As Safe Harbor states, “There’s a long process to recovery, and it begins with admission.” Group therapy is environmentally pleasing because it tears down walls of defenses that people usually have up when they first go for treatment. It lets such people know that everyone in the room is human, and they are all going to be talking about and discussing some of the same struggles and challenges. This kind of treatment creates an environment of compassion and empathy, as well. Not everyone in a rehab facility will want to talk the first time he enters a group therapy session. Some people will want to observe a few meetings first. Eventually, though, a feeling of closeness and trust will develop.

Therapy Helps People to Develop Tools to Succeed

According to Right Path Addiction Center, "Group, individual, and family therapy sessions help bring to light the reasons why those suffering from addiction are affected.” Therapy sessions create discussions about success tools. The Recovery Village Drug Rehab says that a typical session includes group members discussing strategies that they used to overcome certain things in their pasts, and they share those strategies with their peers. The peers sometimes ingest the information and then use those tools in their own lives.

Groups Help Motivate and Inspire

Just seeing a group of people with the same goal is uplifting. Therapy groups motivate all members to push toward the mark of healing. If one person falls or has a bad day, another person in the group can provide that person with encouragement and strength. Successful individuals who have maintained their sobriety will inspire others to get to that point and stay there. Your therapy group can also help you recognize and be grateful for the progress that you are making. It is easy to become bitter about how long it is taking or the problems you are dealing with, but your group can help you refocus on the good things in your life. Gratitude is an amazing motivator, and it can’t exist in the same place as bitterness and anger.

Aftercare Support

According to Naturalism.com “Accountability remains an essential tool in achieving sobriety… Accountability should be compassionate, since the addict’s behavior (indeed, all behavior), is fully a function of internal and external conditions.”

Many new friendships develop between people in group therapy situations. Those friendships can last way beyond the treatment period. Friendships that develop during addiction recovery programs can become supportive relationships in which two people try to help each other to prevent relapse. Group sessions have quite a few positive aspects. Thus, no recovery facility should fail to have it as a part of its menu of services. It's paramount to recovery, and it's an excellent relapse prevention tool.

Addiction counseling can be your first line of defense against relapse. But when fighting this uphill battle, you need as many people in your corner as possible. Nothing is quite as healthy as having a group of peers that one can talk to honestly about addiction. The brothers and sisters in recovery can become a powerful force of positivity and encouragement.

How To Help Your Child Conquer Common Childhood Fears

The world can sometimes seem so big and intimidating that a child develops quite a few fears. As a parent, you must be there to assist your child to overcome those fears and take the steps necessary to help him or her start seeing the objects of the fears in a different light. The following are some common fears and some quick tips on helping your child to overcome them.

Fear of Insects

Fear of insects is very common in small children. You can help your child overcome this fear by explaining that all things were created to serve a purpose. Therefore, even the little insects have jobs to do, but their job is not to harm your child. Additionally, children often don't realize how much bigger they are than the insects that they fear. If you can get them to understand the concept that they are the larger being who has dominion over the tiny being, then the fears may diminish. Try looking up videos with your child or going to a museum to learn about bugs. Take your child out with a camera and magnifying glass and start exploring!

Dentist Appointment Fear

The doctor and dentist appointment fear is another common one. It's quite normal and usual for children to be afraid to allow medical specialists and dentists to handle them. You can help to eliminate this fear. The first action you can take is to let them know what to expect from a dental visit such as the examination and the fun cleaning session and so forth. Don't leave out the part about the stickers! Furthermore, you can take your son or daughter to meet the dentist beforehand. That will help to break the ice immensely.

Being Scared of the Dark

Fear of the dark is something that sometimes scares children immensely. The unseen world frightens them because they believe that such things can harm them. First, you can try sitting with your child with the lights off. Just talk in your soothing voice until he or she feels comfortable enough to let you go. You could also use a night light for a little while. No matter which method you use, you will also need to instill the message that everything is going to be okay, nothing is going to harm your child in the dark, and they should fear no evil.

Many other childhood fears exist. The key to helping your child conquer these fears is to be as supportive and encouraging as possible and to avoid exposing them to anything that may agitate those fears. Above all, you must shower your child with love.

We all want to do the best we can in our lives, but unfortunately there’s no instruction manual for existence. Fortunately if you’re looking for some help I highly recommend checking out our resource section! Sometimes hearing from someone else’s perspective helps us feel a bit more normal and it can also help us learn what we can do to improve!

Resources:

Preschooler Terrified of Bugs
How to Help Your Young Child Overcome a Fear

What’s Included in a Routine Dental Exam and Cleaning?

Dental Fear Of The Pediatric Dentist

Why are People Afraid of the Dark?

When Children Are Afraid of the Dark

3 Things That Keep People From Realizing Their Goals

It is easy to set and have goals but working towards them is another story. Perhaps you have a set of goals, but you haven't achieved most of them yet. This may be because one or two obstacles emerge blocking the goal visualization to take place. The obstacles are just part of the journey; once you have identified them, learn to embrace them as things you can handle.

Roadblocks

Roadblocks can be internal factors or external factors that deny you access to the visualization of goals. Roadblocks can be big or small, and in either case, you must learn how to overcome them to realize your goals. It can be a negative mindset, lack of focus, surrounding yourself with negative people, making excuses, holding onto the past, etc. Sometimes, it’s a simple as not adequately setting your goals, or forgetting to set realistic deadlines for them.

Fear

Fear is one of the most significant challenges that keep one from realizing your goals. It is a constant mental reminder that oppresses your capacity with lots of false evidence.

• Fear of failure

This happens when you want to start something or do something specific. The fear of failure shows up with a constant suggestion that you are not able to do it. People do not want to see their efforts get wasted.

• Fear of rejection

Humans are social beings in one way or another; we want to please others with the hope that they will share the same feelings and passions that we have. We worry about our self-esteem with the possibility of having to take "no" for an answer.

• Fear of being uncomfortable

With actions that you have completed and are comfortable with, you can easily see the benefits of; you know what to expect. Taking a risk, moving out of that comfort zone, the negative consequences seem to far outweigh the positive.

• Fear of success

You fear that success will keep you from having the normal life like you're used to, or that becoming successful will be a stressful situation. Or maybe you don't want success to be taken away from you after you have achieved it.

Procrastinating

Procrastinating is the thief of time. This proves to be true when you put your goals off until ‘someday’ or taking action when you ‘feel ready.’ The two are the worst killers of goal realization because ‘someday’ is not a time or day found in any calendar. You must set a clear plan by creating a time frame to assist you towards your goal visualization. Do not also wait for inspiration to come out of nowhere to inspire you to keep going.

Roadblocks, fears, and procrastination are killers of the visualization process. Do not take it as a ‘stop sign’ but a sign that you can acknowledge, face, and defeat the enemy of progress.

Fear and another whole host of reasons can be responsible for why we can’t realize and achieve our life goals. If you find that you have a difficult time in overcoming these obstacles, you can always turn to life coaches and other

professionals to help you transition from one point in your life to another.   

References:

Healthy You Naturally | Top 6 Tips On How To Achieve Your Goals

The Urban Realist | 5 Roadblocks That Are Keeping You from Reaching Your Goals

Purify Essential Oils | What is Goal Setting, Really?

5 Powerful Ways to Mentor Young Girls

Having powerful role models to show them the way can have a profound impact on young girls. Programs that pair older women with young girls serve to teach these girls about self-esteem, job and career possibilities, and life skills. If you’re thinking about mentoring young women and girls, here are some tips to keep in mind.

Take Your Daughter to Work

Credit: The Guardian

Sometimes, a person doesn’t know what she doesn’t know, until it’s pointed out to her. That is often the case when it comes to future jobs. The Guardian highlighted a program that introduces young girls to professions, like law or engineering, showing them that women can work in any profession they choose. If you’re mentoring a girl, the best thing you can do for her sometimes is to take her to work. This small act just might open up her whole world.

Teach Her Not to Put Up With Others' Negativity

Credit: Independent UK

Self-respect is vital for anyone we teach people how to treat us. Many girls, especially those who have grown up with family violence, don’t understand that they don’t have to allow people to mistreat them. Xyngular suggests that if you are mentoring a girl, teach her to identify those negative thoughts in herself and in others and to transform them into positive thinking. She does not have to put up with others’ negativity. Doing this may help her break out of old family dynamics and to go down a newer, more emotionally healthy road.

Be Consistent

No mentoring program can be successful without consistency. New York Metro Parents reminds mentors that long-time mentoring organizations like Big Brothers Big Sisters embrace consistency as a foundational aspect of mentoring. If you’d like to be a mentor, make sure you can be consistent in the amount of time you devote to the girl you’re mentoring.

Give Her Perspective

Problems that mean almost nothing to an adult can feel overwhelming to a girl who doesn’t have the same life experience yet. A good mentor can give her charge a different perspective, based on her life experience. The best mentors can even help the girl see all sides of the situation, which often leads to the development of compassion.

Credit: Grove Dental

Decision-Making Skills

As Psychology Today points out, it’s not a mentor’s job to make decisions for the person she is mentoring. It’s better to teach the young woman how to make right choices. Talking to the girls about their values helps them make decisions now, and in the future, when you’re no longer around to advise them.

Mentoring programs pair an older, more experienced woman, with a girl who needs a bit of guidance in life. If you’re thinking about joining a mentoring program for girls, keep a few things in mind. First, a girl needs to know she teaches people how to treat her. If she knows she doesn’t have to take crap from others, she is less likely to bullied and to have greater self-respect.

Other essential gifts to impart to the girl you’re mentoring include perspective, decision-making skills, career advice, and consistency. If you bring this to your mentoring program, it’s likely that you’ll see this young girl blossom.

For more resources on how to help empower your daughter, sister, or young woman in your life, check out our resource page!

Single Mom Confessions: Ade

 Most parents are out here winging it. (I'm one of them.) It's easier when you have a partner that is supportive. Many single parents don't have the support that they need and deserve. They are in situations that have a resistant co-parent, a toxic co-parent, and sometimes a supportive co-parent. Regardless of the co-parenting situation, I feel that the stories of single parents should be heard and maybe something will be revealed allows other parents to make healthy changes in their parenting and in themselves as individuals. The Confessions of a Single Parent Series is for all parents to learn, grow, and know that they are not alone. These are their stories. (It just got a little Law and Order in here...).

Can you describe your co-parenting experience and the plan?

Since my son's father and I separated it has been challenging. The challenges exist not only with having my son by myself the majority of the time but also maintaining a positive relationship with his father. Initially, we started out in therapy so we could better co-parent and it helped to address some of our issues but he decided not to continue with and we again had to go through re-establishing an amicable relationship. Now we are friendly and able to communicate. My son sees his father every weekend. I hope to develop a relationship where we are able to work together more.

How has becoming a parent altered your view of the world and has it deferred your dreams?

Being a parent has inspired me to reach my full potential so I can show my son what is possible. It seems I have been able to accomplish more with more obstacles in the way. My son motivates and inspires me.

How do approach parenting as a single parent?

Be clear about the type of parent you want to be. Expect to have to stand alone in some of your beliefs and practices. Keep an open mind. Do you best. Enlist help. Lot's of self care ( the most important).Don't abandon your own dreams it will you to be an better example to your kids.

How have you dealt with co-parenting difficulties?

I just try to do my best. That's it. There is nothing else I can do. I try not to compare myself to other people even if I'm using them as a resource.

What advice would you give another parent having difficulty adjusting to being a co-parenting?

Accept the other parent for who they are. Don't impose expectations ( especially as a the primary parent) Ask for what you need but without imposing expectations and always have a back-up plan. The less pressure you put on the other parent the more likely they will be to work with you even without you asking for help.

What advice would you give another parent having difficulty adjusting to being a co-parenting?

Accept the other parent for who they are. Don't impose expectations ( especially as a the primary parent) Ask for what you need but without imposing expectations and always have a back-up plan. The less pressure you put on the other parent the more likely they will be to work with you even without you asking for help.

How would a support group help you get through co-parenting difficulties?

If there was a support  group that could help me connect  with other single moms of like mind, additional childcare ( because I need to work  more) and finding male mentors for my  son that would  help me a great deal. As far as co-parenting, I need support from others that empower me to be the best parent and be true to myself and my son because I'm doing this on my own for the most part.

Here is a list of resources for parents looking for support resources in Baltimore County:

I would like to thank Ade for her candor and courage to share her story. She is an up and coming jewelry reseller and entrepreneur. 

If you or someone you know would like to share their story please contact me.

Latisha Ellis is a therapist at Lotus Therapies. She is very passionate about  self-empowerment for parents, adults and teens and helping people through group work that focuses on working through the challenges of life, being present, and communicating honestly in all types of relationships. Please be sure to check out her blog and social media links!

Latisha Ellis, MS, LAPC, CAMS

Interview with Indira Midha from Indira's Inner Beauty

My mission is always to empower adults, particularly women. I do this by connecting with others that strive to impact the lives of others by sharing their personal stories and experiences so we can learn from and uplift each other. Indira Midha from Indira's Inner Beauty is a young woman striving daily to impact change in herself, her community, and young women through her blog where she shares of her fears, triumphs, and growth. I had the pleasure of interviewing her for this post.

  Can you tell the readers a bit about yourself? Absolutely! I am 19 years old, and a media student at the University of Illinois. I run the blog indirasinnerbeauty.com and I write for a few other publications at my university. I am half Spanish and half Indian, but born and raised in Michigan. I've been extremely fortunate to have been able to travel to both Spain and India often to visit my enormous family. I am extremely talkative, sassy, and giggly. I love feminism and social activism, so I associate those two things with my identity. In my free time, I love writing, photography, reading, watching Netflix, and playing with my niece. 

What made you start your blog? I originally started Indira's Inner Beauty (IIB) as a YouTube channel with a video that I had to make for my AP English class my junior year of high school. This video was about how social media is detrimental to the self-image of teenage girls. I experimented with what I wanted my content to be about, and I ended up realizing that I could make my voice heard better through my writing. I started the blog version of IIB and I knew that I wanted to help people, specifically young girls. Since then I have focused on writing about social activism, inner beauty, body positivity, and even a bit about college. 

How important is it to use your voice to highlight women's issues instead of remaining quiet? Why is it important for you to highlight women's issues? I am a firm believer in the fact that everybody has a voice that they should use somehow. Through IIB, I am trying to be the online figure that I would have wanted for myself in my younger days. I am trying to show young girls that it is absolutely possible to love your imperfect self. I want to teach young girls about feminism so that they can stay empowered and take care of themselves. It can be a hard world to be female in. Traditional sexism is ingrained in most people's brains, I think that is how this society raised us. I am trying to do my part in combatting these outdated beliefs, not just for myself but for other people too. I wish that the people I was watching/reading on the internet when I was younger taught me about these topics.

How have your experiences and your cultural background played a part in your identity and your message to women? I have a very complex background, I am Hispanic and Asian but I look White. I have recently learned a lot about privilege, and it has changed the way I view many of the issues that I face in my life. I have endured some racism simply for being Hispanic, and I have definitely endured racism as a "White person" in India. I've experienced a lot of feelings of inadequacy because of my cultural background. However, I have had such a unique and culturally aware life because of my ethnic makeup. I think that my unique experiences with culture have taught me how to defend myself from ignorant comments/people, and how to solidify my identity within regardless of what others on the outside think or say. This attitude has spread to many aspects of my being and life. 

As a college student, what are some surprising things you learned about yourself that will help other young women? I think the biggest one is that nobody can do it all. As much as you may want to be a perfect student, a perfect staff-member, a perfect blogger, a perfect friend, a perfect daughter/sister/aunt; you cannot do it all. Aiming for perfection is always going to make you feel like you're hitting your head against a brick wall. You can only expect yourself to do your best while putting in your personal best effort. That is enough, even if it doesn't always result in perfection. Also, time for you to just relax and breathe are just as important as taking time out for you to study or work. I struggle with this still, but I'm working on it. :) 

What would you tell other young women about being empowered, respecting themselves, and staying true to themselves? Empowerment is an inside job, but you are stuck with you for the rest of your life - why not have a fantastic relationship with yourself? That will make for a better life. Be true to yourself, because you are the way that you are - why not make the best of it? Because being somebody who you aren't is exhausting and not fulfilling at all. Stay empowered and stay you, my loves.

Whether we are searching for who we are or working towards revealing out best selves we are all human and there are people out there rooting for you. Indira's message of self-discovery, healing, and activism may help you learn more about yourself. Thank you to Indira Midha for allowing me to interview her. Please check out Indira's blog and follow and support her journey.

Indira Midha of indirasinnerbeauty.com is a 19-year-old blogger and college student who studies media at The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Indira is very passionate about social activism, self-empowerment, and helping young girls through the challenges of adolescent female life. Please be sure to check out her blog and social media links!

Self-Care in College

It's always a pleasure to get other points of view from other people that want to uplift others. Indira Midha from Indira's Inner Beauty whose mission is to "encourage others to become empowered and make it her mission to empower others who will hopefully go on to empower others" is sharing her thoughts on self-care for college women. This topic is important because college, in general, is stressful and without great support and an adequate self-care routine it can seem to spin out of control. I hope Indira's tips can get you started on taking care on yourself.

Guest Post by Indira's Inner Beauty

Engaging in self-care is one of the most crucial parts of taking initiative to positively nurture your mental health. I am a firm believer that nobody is responsible for your mental health but you. It is extremely important to have loved ones support and guide you, but the only person who can look in the mirror every single morning and decide that you'll be taken care of it you. As somebody who attends a rigorous university full-time, works for several publications, and runs a blog completely independently, I can attest to the challenges of making time for self-care. I often find myself feeling guilty for taking a breather when I have a million and seven responsibilities on my plate, especially time sensitive ones. The catch is, if you aren't taken care of and in good shape mentally, you can't effectively tackle your endless to-do list. Here are my tips on engaging in self care while in college, and what I do to keep myself mentally well. 

1. Sleep enough and at a reasonable time. This one is extremely important. I am a firm believer that appropriate sleep is the foundation to good health. For me, it meant making sure that I turned off the Netflix at a set time each week night, and speeding up my morning routine. By committing to sleeping every day from 12am to 8am, I was extremely well-rested this past semester. This resulted in my mood elevating, and my focus being sharper than when sleep-deprived in previous semesters. Some people aren't willing to give up their morning makeup and hair routine for sleep, which is definitely very understandable. You do you, girl! For me personally, spending the hour sleeping instead of spending it on hair and makeup, like I would in high school, was life-changing for me. The extra sleep made me personally happier than the makeup did.

2. If you aren't a big workout person, like me, there are simpler ways to engage in physical activity. In my younger years, I loved participating in volleyball, tennis, and track & field at school. Now, if you tell me to run I will probably scream at you. However, I have realized that there are huge benefits to engaging in physical activity. My two favorite ways of doing this are through walking and dancing. My campus is huge and widely spread out, so I took it upon myself to walk everywhere when the weather permitted. This is an extremely simple way to just move. Before you know it, you'll have racked up a few miles! It may not be some tough workout, but it's proven to be good for your heart. Taking the stairs is a quick burst of a workout, if you have the habit of running up and down them like I do. Also, dancing is a very fun activity that I have recently really started to enjoy. I have the same amount of rhythm in my body as a potato, but I have so much fun. I am not into college parties, but I do love going to the Latin dance nights hosted by my university. I love having "dance parties" with my friends in my room. It's awesome for your physical health to get your blood pumping, and also for your emotional well-being to just put on a fun playlist of songs and dance around. It's not some scary commitment like going to spinning classes four times a week, or running miles every day. Whatever physical activity works for you, do it!

3. Easy on the coffee. Coffee is a stimulant, so while it may help you wake up, it is proven to elevate anxiety in those who already deal with it. Being one of those people, I have decided to switch to green tea. I have gotten to a point where my anxiety is barely present in my life, except for when I have a big cup of coffee. Many people will disagree with this approach, but I say save the coffee for emergencies only.

4. Give yourself something to look forward to at the end of every day. This is quite simple, really. You have to bribe yourself to get through the long day, many times. Let me spill a secret: that's okay! I like to reserve anywhere between half an hour and two hours in my evening for me. I often use that time to get dinner and catch up with a friend, watch Netflix in bed, schedule a FaceTime date with a family member or friend who isn't at school with me, or paint my nails. These are things that make me happy. I love staying in touch with my loved ones, I love TV, and I like to have my nails painted because that prevents me from biting them. These are simple things that really help me get through the tough parts of the day. Having this time to unwind from school and work really helps me prepare for good sleep with a happy soul. Also, following this pattern, I like to give myself something to look forward to at the end of the week. I like to make fun and exciting plans the weekend after a rigorous work-week. This helps me keep myself in going and not feel like I'm drowning in responsibilities. Some things that I like to do on weekends are check out new restaurants with friends, go to a concert or performance (there are tons of awesome free or cheap ones on college campuses!), or have movie nights with friends and order takeout!

5. Put it in a digital list. For me, putting all of my responsibilities in a list is essential. I have so many things to do, and tight deadlines; I can't afford to forget things. I recommend keeping a running to-do list either in Word or on the notes app in your phone. Include all categories: school, work, blog, personal, errands - anything. This saves me from anxiety because I have my responsibilities sorted out and in front of me. Also, I recommend doing this digitally because you can have your list with you wherever you go, and it is so much easier to edit it (as opposed to on a paper with a pen).

6. Make time to keep in touch with your loved ones. This one is huge for me - I am always on the phone, FaceTime, or WhatsApp with my family members and friends from home. I am a very family-oriented person, so many people don't need to do this as often as I do, but I make sure to call or FaceTime with my mom at least twice a day, with my dad once a day, with my sister and niece once a day, with my best friend from home every few days, with my nephew once a week, with my aunt once a week, with my grandpa once a week, and with my cousin once a week. I also text and WhatsApp with them all the time. This may seem like a lot to some people, but with my family being spread out across the world for my whole life, I've always sworn by this. Interacting with my loved ones makes my heart happy, and theirs as well. Communication with loved ones is so healthy and therapeutic, no matter how little or how much.

7. Find your place where you get things done, and find your place where you unwind - but make sure they aren't the same place. This is more of a productivity tip, but I found it extremely helpful to walk into the communications library or my favorite café, because my brain would go immediately into work mode. For me, my bedroom has always been my sanctuary. I make sure that I have lots of blankets and pillows to ensure optimal coziness. It was also extremely helpful to be able to walk into my room and automatically feel comfortable. I was very lucky to have a roommate who I became best friends with, so my room could be my safe place. Many people don't have that luck though. If it can't be your room, find a place where you can just walk in and feel comfortable. My friends found that safety in certain coffee shops, local parks, or dorm lounges after trying a few options out.

8. Eliminate (or cut down to the bare minimum) any interactions or people who make you feel negative feelings. This is so simple, yet so hard. But, after having made friends with some people who made me feel un-empowered, insecure, and unloved, cutting off or limiting those connections really changed my moods in a 180 degree manner. It also really improved the way I was feeling about myself and talking to myself in my head. There are 7 billion people in the world, we don't need to hold on to those who make us feel small, insufficient, or unworthy. There are many absolutely lovely people who can be supportive, positive friends. Look for those.

9. Find songs and TV shows that you can lose yourself in and can help uplift you when you're down. This is essential for me. My small playlist of about 5 songs that uplift me has worked miracles for me. Sometimes you find the words you need to hear in music, and when you find a song that makes you feel this way: keep it. A few of my favorites are Love Me More by Maggie Rose (about self-love), Beautiful Flower by India Arie (also about self-love and empowerment), and The Climb originally by Miley Cyrus, covered by Sundance Head (about overcoming and embracing challenges). Also, I think it is very important to have a funny, light-hearted TV show that you can completely lose yourself in and giggle with to de-stress. For me it's Friends, because I grew up watching it and it provides humor with which you don't have to think too much. After a rough day, just 22 minutes with Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey can help me feel better. Finding a self-care/unwinding show is a good way to help you remove yourself from stressful situations for a bit.

I hope that these tips and suggestions can help you the way that they helped me! Please let me know if you try out any of these things, or if you have any other tips of this sort! I can be reached on Twitter and Instagram at @midha_ind, on Facebook at Indira's Inner Beauty, or via my blog, indirasinnerbeauty.com. I look forward to hearing from you! 

Love and best wishes, Indira

Indira Midha of indirasinnerbeauty.com is a 19-year-old blogger and college student who studies media at The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Indira is very passionate about social activism, self-empowerment, and helping young girls through the challenges of adolescent female life. Please be sure to check out her blog and social media links!

Interview with a Stepparent...

No, I couldn't find a vampire who was also a stepparent. So I decided to interview a real, live one. This interview is important so that others can understand the experience of what is is like to co-parent as a stepparent and maybe feel less alone, find some parallels through other people's experiences, and maybe figure out how to improve their own parenting situation. I had the pleasure of interviewing Kenni J. from Florida. She is a soldier, wife, and mom to 3 kids, two of them being her stepchildren. 

What is the biggest struggle when adjusting to being a step parent?

                The largest struggle is learning to be an additional co-parent. Loving a child is easy, as children, especially young children, tend to offer unconditional love to anyone they feel deserving. The most difficult aspect is proving yourself to the other parent. Adults tend to still have residual emotions following a divorce and may inherently dislike their former spouses' new partner for any numerous of reasons, which may place an additional strain on your current marriage. As a step parent, you must accept that you cannot coerce the other parent to be receptive and approve of you. The other parent must decide to accept the step parent on their own volition and the reality is that the other parent may never accept the step parent.

How has stepparenting altered your view as a parent to your biological kid?

                For quite some time I was unsure if I was capable of having children. Therefore, I have loved my stepchildren as my own. I have always considered my stepson as my first child as I was a part of his life since he was a toddler. When I was blessed to have a child of my own my perspective remained the same and I still want the best for all of my children.

What would you change about challenges?

                In hindsight, the other parent in my relationship is simply unwilling to have a relationship with me therefore any changes to previous interactions would be futile. If you are dealing with a reasonable other parent, whom is not consumed by emotions, I would recommend being polite, making an introduction, and simply being respectful to the other parent. It is not necessary for you and the other parent to be the best of friends, but it is important to be cordial, especially in front of the children. If you are dealing with the spawn of Satan, simply do not engage. All interactions will be viewed as hostile and disrespectful regardless of the intent.

What is the ideal picture of your blended family?

                Ideally, my spouse and the other spouse would have a workable parenting plan that involves very little communication between the two of them. They currently have a toxic relationship that is basically unsalvageable. The best thing for all of us would be an exceptionally detailed parenting plan that allows both families to function with limited interaction. At this point, any interaction typically leads to a full-blown argument between the biological parents and exacerbates stress within the family.

Advice for step parents?

                Be prepared to be a flexible and understanding spouse. Understand that your stepchildren may not accept you or like you for quite some time. Do not attempt to “win over” the other parent with overt gestures of kindness as this will be perceived as you being disingenuous. Introduce yourself to the other parent, be respectful, and do not discipline your stepchildren without the presence of your spouse. Be aware that all of your interactions, both good and particularly bad, will be shared with the other parent. Don’t create more tension in the relationship by causing strain on the parent-child relationship.

Information like this is valuable in appreciating the difficulty of being a stepparent and seeing how you as coparent in this situation can make the experience more bearable and productive for all paries involved.

Including the Stepparent

Many separated or divorced parents make the decision to move on with their lives and seek meaningful relationships. When remarrying or deciding to be in a committed relationship, their partners take on a role of a stepparent.

Being a stepparent can be very overwhelming, challenging, and rewarding. But when a stepparent isn't supported, included on respected they could feel like the odd man out and problems and resentment start to seep into your relationship. Being the odd man out for the stepparent can feel like they are on constant pins and needles with the kids and you as their partner because they are trying to find their place and their voice in your co-parenting situation.

With the children, their needs, trying to manage the co-parenting relationship, and your own needs, the stepparent and their needs can unnoticeably take a backseat. Here are 3 tips to make sure that the stepparent feels connected and included.

Nurture Your Relationship

Stepparents need the reassurance that the co-parenting situation working for the betterment of the family unit and validation and recognition of their place in their household and in their spouse's life. Make time for each other when you can maintain your connection.Unity within the couple's relationship bridges the emotional gap between the stepparent and stepchildren and positions both adults to lead the family.

Communicate! Then Communicate Some More.

Just as the lines of communication is imperative for co-parents, it is also important for stepparents and their partners. Rather than being silent in their resentment, stepparents should express their need to have their contributions recognized and acknowledged (Grace, Elizabeth, 2017).  Stepparents can find it hard to find their barrings and need to be able to talk with their partners on how they feel, how to address issues that come up with the children, and what their role looks like as a stepparent where everyone is feels validated and their needs are being met. 

Just a little Respect.

Respect is a big part of the foundation of any relationship. Just as your relationship took the time to grow and flourish it will take time for the stepparent and child to bond. Respecting the process, having discussions about the new family unit and how it will be managed is key to building a strong foundation. A stepparent will have their own views, values, and beliefs that they will bring to the relationship and those should be respected and acknowledged. But as parents and partners communication about how parenting, discipline, and co-parents should be handled will be ongoing and partners must come to an agreement they are comfortable with implementing in their daily lives. Another important aspect of respect is between the stepparent and the child. Both the child and the stepparent should show each other a level of respect. This is always best displayed rather than verbalized because children do as you do not as you say--usually. If a child feels safe with the stepparent and not pushed into a relationship with them respect comes a little bit easier. Stepparents also must display respect for the children and the other parent (your ex) by being considerate of boundaries, communicating with honesty, and helping to keep the peace.

Although step-parenting can be difficult it can also be rewarding and help to create loving connections. Stepparents should be acknowledged for their roles, heard, included in decisions and planning, and the marriage or romantic relationship should be nurtured to make sure that your relationship and family unit is solid. 

References:

Grace, Elizabeth (2017, May 27). Dealing with Feelings of Resentment as a Stepparent. Being a Stepparent. Retrieved from http://www.beingastepparent.co.uk/dealing-with-feelings-resentment-stepparent.html

Deal, Ron (2002). Stepparenting: It Takes Two. Focus on the Family. Retrieved from http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/single-blended-family-parenting/blended-families/stepparenting-it-takes-two

5 Important Things to Be A Stable Co-Parent

The reality of being a co-parent can be quite sobering but you can get through it if you focus on these 5 elements: Self-care, Level-Headed Support, Grieve Your Relationship, Make Home a Neutral Space, and Commit to Your Child's Happiness.

Self-Care

It is important for parents in a co-parenting relationship to not only nurture their children but to also nurture themselves. Self-care is the maintenance of your physical, mental, and inner self. How you treat yourself will speak to how you will be able to cope with the transition of your co-parenting relationship and life transitions in general.  Terri DiMatteo, LPC  of Open Door Therapy suggests that while it may seem counter-intuitive for divorcing parents to focus on themselves while in the throes of divorce or transitioning during to being a co-parent, in truth it is actually one of the healthiest things a divorcing parent can model for his or her child. By doing so, a parent is ‘saying’ (by example and in lifestyle) that during times of heightened stress and uncertainty it’s especially important to take care of oneself when managing the additional stress.

Level-Headed Support

We all require connections with friends or family to be a support through trials of life. When maneuvering through your co-parenting transition, separation, or divorce you may seek comfort and advice from friends and family. But all advice isn't good advice even from people we love. Sometimes confiding in others can make the situation worse because the people we have chosen to confide in are also emotionally invested in your situation and they can't always be objective. Seek a professional if you are looking to work through emotions, thoughts, and getting a better understanding of how to move forward. 

Grieving Your Relationship

Although you want to make sure that your children are okay and provide them a healthy environment, it is important to grieve what you have lost. Whatever that loss is for you, (the relationship itself, loss of the family unit, loss of finances, your dreams connected to your ex-partner) healthy grieving will help you deal with the emotions related to that loss and adequate support will help you reorganize your life based on your learnings about your relationship, yourself, and your experiences. You will most likely develop new values and perspectives on life, and you will naturally begin to think of new horizons that you may never have thought about before. 

Home: A Neutral Space

Your relationship with your ex can be in a constant state of chaos but you should always commit to having a safe, neutral environment for you and your child. This means being accountable to maintaining that space by:

• making sure you don't speak ill of the dead (the old relationship that is)

• not using your child as a confidant

• encouraging your child to foster a relationship with their parent if they are comfortable doing so

• respecting the child's relationship and love for their other parent

• when they go low you go high-refrain from arguments and all-around nastiness especially in front of the child.

Committing to Your Child's Happiness

Committing to you child's happiness is the ultimate goal of your co-parenting experience. Your sacrifices to maintain control of emotions and creating a neutral, safe space for them is what they will remember in the end. Pay attention to your child's ques regarding how they are handling the transition and seek additional support or help if they are having an especially hard time adjusting. Stay the course, because your character and actions DO matter...and because the children are always watching. The time, thoughts, patience, laughter, fun, and love that you share with your child will have the most meaning.

References:

1. Hart, Julie (2016, February 2). Grieving When Your Relationship Ends: The 3 Important Phases. The Hart Centre. Retrieved from http://thehartcentre.com.au/grieving-when-your-relationship-ends-the-3-important-phases/
2. University of Washington. (n.d). Healthy grieving. Retrieved from https://www.washington.edu/counseling/resources/resources-for-students/healthy-grieving/
3.Philyaw, D.,Thomas, M.D. (2013) Co-Parenting 101: Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households after Divorce. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger. 

3 Co-Parenting Styles: Which Are You?

In Co-Parenting 101 by Deesha Philyaw and Michael Thomas, they created a simple explanation of 3 different types of coparenting styles. These styles are not based on how you parent your children but more about how you interact, communicate, cope, and coexist as coparents. Philyaw and Thomas define 3 different types of co-parenting styles as Super Friends, Business Partners, Oil and Water (I'm sure you can figure out what this one means). 

Super Friends are "parents whose co-parenting relationship is characterized by low conflict, flexibility, easy communication, and congeniality."  

Super Friends Co-Parenting Style display:

• open respect for each other

• ongoing communication

• low conflict

• all interactions and demonstrations are motivated by the child's wellbeing

Although this is an ideal situation, parents must be aware of and maintain boundaries so that children won't confuse respect and kindness with the possibility of a reconciliation between their parents. With all the god intentions of having a super-friends parenting style it still does not address or shield children from being hurt by the divorce. It is best to always keep communication open for children to express ongoing feelings about the effects of the divorce.

The business partners style is "characterized by the more formal interaction, strict adherence to schedules and written plans, and a basic civility." This is a "stick to the plan" style. These types of parents will have interactions that only that pertain to the parenting plan or keep to agreed upon schedules and they try to remain emotionally detached as it pertains to the other party.

Business Partners Co-Parenting Style display:

• clear boundaries

• emotions remain strictly in check

• children's lives are not intertwined

• minimum communication

The Business Partners style is useful for parents trying to get a specific message to and from the other parent without mudding the waters. This style can backfire and create a way for the child to manipulate or take advantage of minimum communication. 

Oil and Water coparenting style is defined as "a near and total breakdown of communication, high conflict, mistrust, and competitiveness." Just picture an all out nuclear war or a ticking time bomb.

Oil and Water Parents are:

• a constant obstruction

• verbal/physical altercation

• unable to compromise

• holding onto pain/anger/hurt from the unsuccessful relationship

An oil and water parent can be very reactive and find it very difficult to interact with each other. This is the most toxic of the three types of coparenting styles. It creates an atmosphere of inadequacy, insecurity, and fear for the child.

Creating a Positive Experience

In order to create a positive coprarenting experience, you have to decide to heal from the past and put your child first. Always strive to exhibit the behavior that you want for your relatipship as a coparent. Just because your ex is an oil and water parent doesn't mean you can't be a super friends parent.

Focus on:

• always being positive

• creating and maintain an open dialogue with your child

• always exhibiting kindness and refrain from getting sucked into arguments

• LOVE on your kid-ESPECIALLY if you have a particularly shitty ex

• Be sure to create a safe space for your child

• NOT talking shit about your EX around your child

• Maintaining self-care, Love on yourself and Get help if you need it

Co-parenting can be rewarding and a positive experience. Having adequate support is crucial to having a successful co-parenting relationship. There are co-parenting groups like the one I provide, Quiet the Wars Co-parenting Group that are available to support parents through the transition of co-parenting by offering therapeutic support and referrals to legal professionals.

Philyaw, D.,Thomas, M.D. (2013) Co-Parenting 101: Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households after Divorce. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.